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Riddles/Jokes
| Kiddies Page |
1. What driver doesn't have a license?
A: A screw driver
2. Why do statues and paintings of
George Washington always show him standing?
A:Because he would never lie
.3. What has a neck, but no head?
A: a bottle
4. What has one foot on each side and one in the middle?
A: A yard stick
5. Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today;
but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where?
A: In a dictionary
6. What has 10 legs and drools?
A: Quintuplets
7. How do prevent a summer cold?
A: Catch it in the winter
8. What never gets any wetter no matter how hard it rains?
A: the ocean
10. Why is the letter D like a sailor?
A: becuz it follows the C
11. How do you get pies to work for the government?
A: U add the letter S and get spies.
12. What can turn a lad into a lady?
A: the letter Y 13.
What is the coldest letter?
A: the letter C - it's in the middle of ICE
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code,and have conversations with friends
in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally
with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking
a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announcing its your property.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in
all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Declare your apartment an independent nation,
and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punch line to a long joke,
but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone,
spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information
in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in
conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes
in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen
and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's
every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
To really annoy people,stand on a street corner,
pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you.
When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock.
When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough
so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill,
throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
Penny Drinks
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender,
"but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?"
inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Phrase Translations
Are you harboring a fugitive?Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena?Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
Dumb People
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are
and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Question and Answer
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did Pooh say to his agent?
A. Show me the honey
Q. Why did the traffic light turn red?
A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday;
5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're
selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim
across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.